


If You Have To Hurt To Feel

by ruthmakesstuff (orphan_account)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Literally that's what the fic is about, TW: Self Harm, bipolar!Anders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 12:49:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4436126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ruthmakesstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders rebels against the circles in a rather destructive way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Have To Hurt To Feel

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is literally about Anders's relationship with self harm - please don't read it if that's going to be an issue for you.
> 
> Title taken from the Dragon Age Random Prompt Generator.

He’d started doing it while he was still in the circle.

Many of the young mages had burns on their hands and arms – fire magic was one of the things they learned fairly early on, and accidents were bound to happen. But this was different, for Anders.

He knew other mages who did it too – mages accused of blood magic, from the cuts on their arms. He made sure never to go that route – the Templars already didn’t like him, for his smart mouth and escape attempts, and it was the last thing he wanted to be made Tranquil. There’d be no fair trial for the mage who sassed the Knight-Commander that one time. No, he stayed with fire. It was safer that way.

Initially he was ashamed – it was a dark and dirty secret, and it became a nervous habit of his to pull his sleeves down over his knuckles, hiding the shiny red burns. Eventually it became something else. To start with, he felt like he was punishing himself. Later, it felt like he was punishing the circle – they couldn’t control him, they couldn’t control this, they couldn’t control the way he was using magic. It made it difficult and painful to write, but in a way he was alright with that – it felt… appropriate, given how often he disagreed with the lessons being taught. Finally he managed to persuade himself that what he was doing was actually, in a strange way, kind of righteous.

He stopped, eventually. He realised that his pain and suffering had no real impact on the Templars in the end. He’d created this narrative of personal rebellion to cover up the fact that he was depressed and anxious and tense – all the influence, as far as he was concerned, of the Templars. It had been a defence mechanism, but once he recognised it, he had to reject it. He’d find better ways to cope, and better ways to rebel.


End file.
